Me: I should re watch Merlin
)most of a day later)
Me: WHY DID I THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA?!?!?!?! *sobs uncontrollably*
Synonyms are weird because if you invite someone to your cottage in the forest that just sounds nice and cozy, but if I invite you to my cabin in the woods you’re going to die.
He couldn’t feel her anymore. No more tingling sensation when he thought of her; no more smile as he watched her move; his heart would no longer race at the sound of her voice.
The bond that they had shared for what had seemed like an eternity was now gone. It felt as though somebody had reached into his chest and yanked out his heart, leaving behind an empty void that could only be filled with the pain of her absence. He felt like he would never heal, like he could not find a way to sew up his wound and stop the bleeding.
I look over at him. I’m happy to see his smile; he didn’t used to smile this much. I look at the person next to him, the reason he’s smiling. It’s her. I watch them until I can’t any more then look away as if the sight burns me. In a way it does. It’s become a game or rather a strengthening exercise, to figure out how long I can tolerate seeing them together. I’ve been getting better. I want to hate her but I can’t. It’s not her fault I’m in love with him; it’s not her fault he doesn’t know. I take a deep breath then look back over at them. I have to do this.
I want to say something to him sometimes but it’s too late now. So I swallow down all my words and press forward. Whenever he talks to me and asks how I’m doing I say, “I’m ok.” I make sure he never suspects there is something off.
Sometimes I wonder if I can keep going like this, and for how long. I know I’m just fooling myself the same way I’m fooling everyone else. I deliberately shut my eyes and ears and block out all my emotions. If I don’t I know I will fall apart. But some nights when I sit still for too long and let my mind wander into dangerous places I wonder, “When will this end?” Those nights I can feel the tears I ignore. The ones that I know are there all the time but I never let them out. Maybe someday I will let myself cry, but not today.